Garbage Time
Random Day of Sports: June 14th
by
Rick Hamilton,
6/15/2009
The following is what happens when you write a blog for 13 hours on a busy sports Sunday; watching ESPN in the morning, the Brewer game in the afternoon, and the NBA Finals at night. I don't recommend this.
I wake up to a developing story on Sportscenter about the Cleveland Cavaliers somehow believing Shaquille O'Neal is the answer, that one final push to get a championship. All I can think about his how annoying his puppet would be. Lil Penny must be spinning in his toy chest.
As with more and more athletes these days,
Shaq has a Twitter page. So I check that to get the real scoop about the trade rumors. Shaq has this to say: “If everytime I talk I close my eyes and stutter, does that mean I have a breathing defiency thru my eyelids Lol”.
Hmm, maybe I'll check from a couple days ago if he knew something early: “If others can smell you, u gotta be able to smell yourself Pfffffffffffff I farted Aggggh Can u smell dat Lol”.
Shaq has 1.2 million followers on Twitter, by the way.
ESPN.com has a few more cohesive Tweets in their
Daily Dime.
Cubs highlights mean only one thing: even more
replays of Milton Bradley catching a fly ball for the second out of the inning with men on base, pausing for four seconds, then casually tossing the ball into the stands as baserunners advance. I feel blessed to live in the Milton Bradley era.
Michael Cera and Jack Black expect an everyday conversation will make us laugh and get us excited to see their new movie. There's no way I'm even going to try to keep track of the amount of Year One commercials today, it might reach triple-digits.
Got our first shot of an NBA player (Mickael Pietrus) making a halfcourt shot while a swarm of cameras surround him during pregame. Exactly how long are we supposed to be amazed by players making these shots when guys like Pietrus are drilling them with ease?
And now it's time for my favorite part of Baseball Tonight: when the others on the show use the stepladder to talk to Dave Winfield.
Brewers vs. White Sox Got news that Manny Parra is being sent down to AAA Nashville. Parra was apparently notified of the decision before Saturday's game even ended. He was last sighted hitchhiking with a bindle full of baseballs down the highway in Waukegan.
Brewers Live features Telly Hughes interviewing Brewers #1 draft pick Eric Arnett before Telly's microphone goes dead. After Telly's technical difficulties are squared away, Telly hopes Arnett's “career will go a lot better than that first time.” I agree, if Arnett's career is worse than a microphone going dead in an interview, we'll be in trouble.
Wait, so how is Dejope like Vegas?
Has anyone ever won a Walk-Off Wednesday promotion? Let me get this straight, you have to buy a t-shirt that looks like a player's jersey on a Wednesday home game, then if that specific player hits a walk-off home run, you get a replica jersey of the player whose shirt you just bought?
Brewers announcer Brian Anderson is going through a difficult series with the White Sox as their centerfielder is also named Brian Anderson. As someone who shares a name with a well-known athlete, I know how weird it is to talk about someone else while using your own name. Especially when that person is much richer than you are.
Milwaukee takes an early lead after a lead-off double by McGehee and an RBI single by Prince. After the score, we see two guys with ridiculous facial hair outside with a sign reading “Brian Anderson says 'Fear the Brew Manchu'”. More like Tool Manchu.
Braden Looper appears to be suffering through a bug attack on the mound. We'll see if this develops into a situation.
Speaking of developing into a situation, if the new Ryan Reynolds-Sandra Bullock vehicle The Proposal is really “the year's best comedy” as Pete Hammond from Hollywood.com puts it, I'll eat my hat. (Curiously, The Proposal's page on Hollywood.com says there isn't a review available. I smell the world's least-interesting conspiracy!)
White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle hits his first career home run off of Braden Looper. Bill Schroeder says, “Who'da thunk it?” Who'da thunk it, indeed. Maybe the bugs had something to do with it.
Fox Sports Wisconsin actually has a commercial encouraging people to
follow them on Twitter. Alright, let's see what they talk about: “Family Day at Miller Park for the players, coaches and broadcasters. Prince starts the day right with an RBI single in 1st.” Kind of dull so far. I'll keep an eye on it.
Casey McGehee hits his first major league home run to put the Brewers back on top. He just might earn himself another E or two in his name.
Message board question from pistolpetefan23: “Who is the worst Brewer, Bill Hall or Manny Parra?” Well, since there are only two options and only one of them is a Brewer at this time, I think you can figure that one out. That was a totally fair question.
FSWisconsin Twitter: “Buehrle hits his first career HR to tie it for the Sox but McGehee comes back and hits his first career HR to give Brewers the lead”. I guess I don't understand the point of these Tweets during the game. Are people watching the game supposed to be checking their Twitter or is it for people that can't watch the game? It's not enough substance for people that aren't watching the game and the people that are watching the game obviously already know what's going on.
Brian Anderson (the centerfielder) makes a beautiful diving catch to end the third inning, then is promptly hit by a pitch by Braden Looper in the fourth. I think I heard Looper saying, “Catch this one, hot shot.”
The White Sox take the lead back in the fourth with RBI hits from Beckham and Podsednik. Looper's soul patch is dripping with sweat.
From T_Unit14: “What is your opinion on the Brett Favre debacle and what would you do if Favre ran out of the tunnel at Lambeau in purple and gold?” I'm just sitting back and enjoying the show, not just from Favre but from the fans that insist on picking a side. The hatred generated is pretty entertaining and I wouldn't mind seeing Favre play for the Vikings next season just to see the fallout.
Brewers draft pick Eric Arnett gets another interview in the booth this time and the microphone actually works. Things are already going better in his career.
Casey McGehee reaches on a single and is now a triple away from hitting for the cycle. It sure is nice outside, I'm glad I volunteered to stay inside all day watching television.
Corey Hart has a pair of homers today, his second ties the game in the sixth. Now here's the video for
“Sunglasses at Night”.
FSWisconsin's Twitter page hasn't been updated in nearly an hour. Hope everything's okay.
FSWisconsin is also advertising their Facebook page. Maybe that's why their Twitter updates are so seldom. Don't stretch yourselves too thin, guys!
Trevor Hoffman gives up his first run of the season with the well-loved AJ Pierzynski hitting an RBI single in the ninth to break the tie. Still no word from FSWisconsin on Twitter. I'm getting worried.
Either way, I hope the game ends soon so I can get in a few games of Peggle. I'm starting to dream in Peggle boards though so maybe I should give it a rest.
Bobby Jenks comes in the ninth to shut down the Brewers and give the White Sox the series win. Postgame celebration involves him and Pierzynski dying hair and goatees blonde.
At the end of Brewers Live, the FSN HD channel promptly goes to color bars. You definitely know the game is over then.
NBA Finals Game 5 Pregame of the Magic-Lakers game, Adam Morrison (in uniform) warming up with Kobe Bryant in the background of Shelly Smith's report. Not sure what that means. Either, he'll be in uniform tonight or he shows up to the arena in a suit (per NBA rules), changes into his uniform and warms up, then showers and changes back into his suit during the game. Or he just wants Shelly Smith to think he's actually going to play tonight.
The Bucks' own Charlie Villanueva stars in a Jimmy Kimmel Show skit about the NBA Network's (fictional) Dancing with the Stars rip-off. He was either uncredited or the producers didn't know his name. Let's see what
Charlie Tweeted about that.
http://twitpic.com/73oxw “Oh maaan, this is by far the funniest skit I've ever done, LOL. I'll let u know when it airs on JK's show. I'm gonna post a pic up.”
I don't watch the Jimmy Kimmel show, so if this is the funniest skit Charlie's ever done, I assume that means he's done more and that they were less funny. So that means I'll continue to miss Jimmy Kimmel's show.
The end of the NBA season could be just a few hours away and Magic Johnson is celebrating by wearing a suit made out of Universal Studio hotel curtains.
Tim Legler is playing basketball with a bunch of video game characters. One day, video games will look more realistic than Tim Legler.
They're advertising the new movie G-Force as an “action-comedy”. Action-comedies have Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan, not gerbils. I think this is a kid's movie.
“America's new Anthem sweetheart” Gina Marie Incandela gets a Jake LaMotta-like entrance.
The thing that bothers me most about going to NBA games is all the spectacle and gimmicks that go into the whole production. The Magic's pregame introductions featured cheerleaders being lowered from the rafters while wearing Superman capes before some sort of lime-green mascot (obviously symbolizing the fictional property of Magic) bungee-jumping from above the scoreboard. Might as well go all out, they'll be on vacation in three hours anyway. (Will edit if Orlando wins.)
Just over two minutes into the game before Andrew Bynum commits his first personal foul. I predicted 13 seconds, so I lost the pool.
Rafer Alston sometimes forgets that he's in the NBA and passes up open jumpers while trying to dig deep into the lane with his dribble. There's a reason other streetballers aren't in the NBA, it's usually because they can't make open jumpers. Alston apparently knew that and remembered the old saying “better to not shoot jumpers and be thought a streetballer, than to take a jumper and remove all doubt.”
Kobe hurts his finger while grabbing Courtney Lee's jersey trying to gain position on a post-up. Developing situation or an excuse to lose a game?
A commercial for a movie called Orphan. How many times can we see movies about murderous kids with rich parents? For a good one, I recommend Joshua. I'm not sure what the tagline for Joshua was, but I'm sure it's better than “There's Something Wrong with Esther.”
Alston's taken to pointing at various people at the arena after he makes a good play. I wouldn't be surprised to see the NBA enforce a rule against that next season.
Speaking of Alston, he's at least the third notable player in Orlando Magic history to wear #1 after Penny Hardaway and Tracy McGrady. It might be a cursed jersey, Alston should beware.
“I Survived a Japanese Game Show.” Do a lot of Japanese people die on live television?
Surprisingly haven't heard a lot of jokes from announcers today about the confusion Twitter causes. That was the trend heard 'round the sporting world a couple months ago. But really, if Mark Miller can figure out Twitter, it's not too difficult. (I think it's fair to make fun of Mark as long as I provide a link to his Twitter page.
Follow him, y'all!)
The potential Shaq trade talk has been heating up all day with some names being thrown around. I'm in the “believe it when I see it” camp.
I just realized I'm on my fifth page of this document, so I apologize for the length and congratulate those of you who've made it this far. I wish I could give you free admission to Year One, but I'm afraid that movie's been sold out since Game One.
I wouldn't be surprised to see Kobe Bryant change into a suit and tie during timeouts with the amount of lecturing he does on the bench.
How long did it take Michael Cera to agree to be in the Arrested Development movie? How quickly did he sign on to make Year One? That ratio seems to be completely off.
Nicholas Kartos would like to know how to sign up for the program where you look for a computer, then they give you the money to buy the computer as long as it's a PC. Good question.
Halftime of game five, Lakers up 56-46. But I'm sure Lakers fans are more interested in knowing about Pau Gasol's special relationship with Placido Domingo. Apparently ABC was expecting a Lakers sweep and figured the fifth through seventh halftime features weren't going to air anyway.
The Three Tenors: Opera's version of the triangle offense. Pau Gasol has never heard the phrase “it's not over until the fat lady sings.” These are things I learned at halftime.
We get a shot of Dale Davis walking around the arena, shaking hands like the president. Does Dale Davis pay for a ticket to the Finals? What are the chances he's on Twitter? (Answer: 0%)
The Lakers extend to a 13-point lead and Mark Jackson gives us a “Mama, there goes that man”. That's perhaps the most desperate attempt to create a catchphrase since Urkel asked, “Did I do that?”
Dwight Howard picks up his fifth foul at the end of the third quarter. The Magic's only chance is to put Kobe Bryant in a box and saw him in half. Or maybe motivation from Leroy Smith. Am I right, message board posters?
I doubt Orlando fans feel confident with JJ Redick matching up with Kobe Bryant at the opening of the fourth quarter.
Mark Jackson gives us a “hand down, man down”. Are these catchphrases going to be in the new Transformers movie or something? Mama, there goes that robot. (I've been writing for 12 hours now.)
FSWisconsin hasn't Tweeted in seven hours now. How long is it until we can report them as a missing person?
JJ Redick is trying to win this game himself. Too bad he's JJ Redick. (Will edit this when JJ Redick makes the Hall of Fame.)
Lakers up 11 with just over a minute to go. What I'll miss most is the Year One commercials.
I think the Lakers were wearing those championship hats since Saturday morning.
EA Sports thinks they're shaking up the video game world with Ali vs. Tyson in Fight Night 4. But when Nicholas' little brother knows Def Leppard from Rock Band, I think the gravity of Ali-Tyson might be lost on this generation.
Joey Buss coming through strong on his victory speech. A little too strong maybe. We might see him on YouTube soon.
Phil Jackson's kids make him a hat celebrating the release of the Spike Lee joint Malcolm X. Not sure why he waited until tonight to wear it when the movie came out in 1992.
Shaq is very complimentary on his Twitter page tonight. A lot of people on there are less gracious towards Kobe. Still no word from FSWisconsin. Calling the police now. Printing milk cartons with their faces on them. Going to bed.
What Should Have Been
by
Rick Hamilton,
5/13/2009
It's only fair that after ripping on iTunes and their sorry excuse for a Basketball Essentials Playlist for three columns that I suggest a few alternatives they missed. It may be a bit unfair since I have songs on here that aren't available on iTunes, but that's not my problem.
Hall & Oates - One On One - Fascinating tidbit from
Wikipedia: "The song's popularity, along with its inherent basketball reference, led to it being used in NBA commercials in the mid-80s. The commercial featured numerous players, including Laker James Worthy performing a 360-degree slow-motion spin move during the sax solo."
Skee-Lo - I Wish - Skee-Lo wishes he was taller so he was better at basketball and could get with Leoshi. As far as I can tell, Leoshi is either a character from Super Mario Brothers or an Italian sports car.
Lyric of choice: "Her boyfriend's tall and he plays ball, so how am I gonna compete with that?"
Beastie Boys - Tough Guy - We've all been there when the fat guy gets in the pick-up game, the Beasties handle it with Shaq and Bill Laimbeer name-drops in a blast of punk fury.
Lyric of choice: "Cause a minor earthquake when you throw a moving pick."
Zion I - Fade Away - I Would've chosen this song off the 2K7 soundtrack instead of the two they picked. Personal preference, but I'm right and they're wrong.
G. Love & Special Sauce - I-76 - Celebrating 76ers past (Mo Cheeks and Moses Malone) and... well still past (Jerry Stackhouse and Iverson).
Lyric of choice: "Charles Barkley dissed Larry Bird."
If you're going to search for the word "basketball" on iTunes, here are some better choices than what they picked:
Voodoo Glow Skulls - The Basketball Song
Anything off the "One On One" soundtrack by Seals & Crofts
Deerhoof - Basket Ball Get Your Groove Back
Rogue Wave - Basketball
Basketball's Best Kept Secret - If the BMG Music Service was good for one thing, it was for me finding this little gem from 1994. "Rappers" include Shaquille O'Neal, Jason Kidd, Chris Mills, Dana Barros (twice!), Cedric Ceballos, Gary Payton, Brian Shaw, Dennis Scott, J.R. Rider (not to be confused with actual rapper J.R. Writer), and Malik Sealy. Hey, when you have to buy 12 CDs for a penny, sometimes you get lucky.
Lyric of choice (from Jason Kidd): "Ain't no party like a J. Kidd party 'cause a J. Kidd party don't stop. But it ain't no party because I can't get it started with all the player haters on my jock."
Shaquille O'Neal - Giggin' On 'Em - From the album "Shaq Diesel", Shaq discusses those he's "gigged on", including Manute Bol, Grandmama, and Alvin Robertson.
Ice Cube - It Was A Good Day - The Lakers beat the Supersonics.
Lyric of choice: "Get me on the court and I'm trouble, last week, 'messed' around and got a triple-double."
Bell Biv DeVoe - Above the Rim - While I'm talking about Bell Biv Devoe, I'd like to present the producers at VH1 an opportunity for their next celebrity dating show: "B.B.D. (I Thought It Was Me)?".
Ricky Bell, Michael Bivins, and Ronnie DeVoe still haven't found the respective loves of their life (I assume) and must learn to trust a big butt and a smile. The show will be filmed in the morning and filmed in the night. Contestants will be subjected to challenges such as taking off their clothes but leaving on their shoes. During the elimination ceremony, the girls will either be asked to "stay in this house and do me?" (and be given a Swatch watch) or be asked to leave. VH1.com could even show footage that's too hot for TV such as: smacking it up, flipping it, and rubbing it down. (Oh no!)
Any other song ideas from my faithful readers? Post them in the comments section.
The Third Cut is the Deepest
by
Rick Hamilton,
4/28/2009
I'd like to promise a satisfying ending for those who've made it this far in the iTunes Basketball Essentials playlist, but I'm afraid the Deep Cuts just doesn't deliver. Of course if you've seen the songs that were on the first two editions, this is no surprise to you. Let's get it over with!
Mase – Breathe, Stretch, Shake – Mase's little-anticipated comeback album featured him in a
Milwaukee Brewers hat on the cover. That's cool. Maybe on his next comeback album, he'll be wearing a WSN hat (if he has enough
WisCash)!
will.i.am – Go! - Go! (on to the next song!)
MC Lyte – Ruffneck – Something for the ladies! The old ladies! 1993 was a long time ago.
Bill Cosby – The Invention of Basketball – This is the part of the playlist when you're playing basketball and just need to hear some stand-up comedy! The list of things that were invented in Bill Cosby's lifetime: basketball, comedy, pudding pops.
Red Hot Chili Peppers – Magic Johnson – It would be slightly shocking to know this song is actually about Magic Johnson since this is a band that performed wearing only socks (not on their feet) if every other song by them wasn't about some facet of Los Angeles.
Jackson 5 – The Day Basketball Was Saved – It's advertised as a “groove-riding slab of Motown” in the iTunes description. I've literally never heard anything that has less of a “Motown sound” than this slab of Bill Cosby-narrated audio annoyance.
Fantastic Freaks & the Cold Crush Brothers – Basketball Throwdown – 1983 was a very long time ago but this holds up better than songs on this list that came two decades later (and it's not even a song).
The D.O.C. - Mind Blowin' – I can't think of one reason this song would be on a basketball playlist. Of course I can't think of one reason why it wouldn't be on this playlist though.
Jimmy Fallon - (I Can't Play) Basketball – The list of things Jimmy Fallon can't do: play basketball. The end.
Katt Williams – Basketball – This is the part of the playlist where an iTunes intern searched for the word “basketball” and added whatever popped up.
R.O.C. - NBA 2K2 – Remember that song from the Like Mike soundtrack from the other list? We should have something from that album on this list too! (Not to be confused with D.O.C.)
B Rich – Whoa Now – Remember that song that sampled the theme from The Jeffersons? Probably not, since B Rich might be the only person in the world without a Wikipedia page.
Ron Artest – Haterz – The list of
Ron Artest's “Haterz” includes: David Stern, guys that throw cups of beer, people that are in the area of beer-throwers that need to be tackled, refz.
Tech N9ne – I'm A Playa – It samples “Rock Me Amadeus” but once again has nothing to do with basketball. That means it's obviously one of the better songs on this list.
G. Love & Special Sauce – Shooting Hoops – The list of songs that shouldn't have been on “The Basics” playlist before this song: all of them except “Basketball”, “He Got Game”, “Basketball Jones” and maybe “Hip Hop Hooray”.
Dan the Automator & Rhymefest – Bang the Ball – You can put this on the very short list of songs on this playlist to actually buy. How many songs is that out of 73? Maybe six?
Bossman – Hand Clap &
Dirtbag – Here We Go – And here are two random songs that have nothing to do with basketball!
Code Red – It's All On You (NBA Draft Lottery Mix) – Here's the part of the playlist where the iTunes intern searched for the term “NBA” and added whatever popped up. The best part about having a 30-second song is that there are no surprises if you buy the song since the preview is 30-seconds long too.
Musab – I Ain't Even in the NBA – A song specifically about not being able to play basketball. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone that bought this entire playlist.
Krafty Kuts – Basketball Jam – Hey, remember that old
Nike commercial? This is kinda like it but horrible!
Archie Eversole – We Ready – Notice it's the clean version of the song. We'd hate to have our younger hoopsters hearing something inappropriate. (Don't make me link back to that DMX song again.)
Willie P. Richardson – Basketball Shoe – What better way to end this disaster than a prank phone call? Willie P. has 12 (12!) different prank phone call albums available on iTunes. 12! And since this is obviously important in this playlist (at least for the last two tracks),
Willie P. advertises his act as “clean but politically incorrect comedy recorded on the telephone for humor purposes.” Finally someone recording comedy for humor purposes. Somebody should write this down.
Basketball Essentials: Next Steps
by
Rick Hamilton,
4/21/2009
Sometimes you just have to dive in and swim, no matter how cold, dirty, shark-infested the waters may be. And that's exactly how I feel when I look at the Next Steps in iTunes' Basketball Essentials Playlist. If you like more of the same, this is exactly the group of songs for you!
Click
here (then on the “Next Steps” tab in iTunes) if you're into generic hip hop that has little-to-nothing to do with basketball or sports in general!
Lil Jon, Trick Daddy, & Twista – Let's Go – As a defender of hip hop, this song sets back my argument a couple decades. “Crazy Train” is a sample someone like Run DMC or the Beastie Boys would've used 20 years ago, but with less inane lyrics than a cry of “Let's Go!”, that generic teammate-rouser used by many athletes after a big play, and a couple verses that shouldn't be quoted here.
Yung Joc – It's Goin' Down – Another fascinating tidbit from
Wikipedia: Despite the rumors, he is not related to rapper Young Jeezy.
Chris Brown – Run It! - Wrigley's pulled their commercial with Chris Brown after his domestic violence charges, but iTunes decided to look beyond those charges because this song just screams basketball.
Onyx – Slam – The only thing that's remotely related to basketball in this song is the single word “Slam”, which is one more word than most of these songs have.
YoungbloodZ – Damn! - If iTunes had a Casual Swearing Essentials, this song would be on it.
Terror Squad – Lean Back – I'm seriously regretting this entire endeavor.
Rick Ross – Push It – Mr. Ross's verses could be all about basketball, but they're so low in the mix, there's no way we'll ever find out.
DJ Khaled feat. Akon, T.I., Rick Ross, Fat Joe, Bay & Lil Wayne – We Takin' Over – For those of you just joining us, these songs are supposed to be about basketball. This song has enough people on it to bring two guys off the bench though.
Fatboy Slim – Right Here, Right Now – Hey, at least it's not a mindless rap song.
Juelz Santana – Mic Check – They must have picked random songs out of a hat. A really ugly hat.
Lupe Fiasco – Kick, Push – This song is about skateboarding, iTunes! Why not just put John Fogerty's “Centerfield” or a song about Jai alai on here?
Young Jeezy – Soul Survivor – Not related to Yung Joc.
Mystikal & Nivea – Danger (Been So Long) – Danger, it's been so long since we've heard a song actually about basketball.
Snoop Dogg, Lil Jon & Trina – Step Yo Game Up – The previous 10 songs had explicit lyrics warnings (even Fatboy Slim?), this song should have 10 of its own.
Boyz N Da Hood – Dem Boyz – You can't expect me to have jokes for all of these.
Nelly (feat. Paul Wall, Ali & Gipp) – Grillz – This song is about tooth jewelry, not basketball. I can see why they'd be confused though.
Busta Rhymes & Q-Tip – For the Nasty – I assume this song is about
Corliss Williamson.
Lloyd Banks & Young Buck – Me Against You – Yawn...another song that has nothing to do with...oh wait! Holy cow!
It's about basketball! Not sure why we need the entire verse repeated word-for-word, but at this point we can't be picky.
Bow Wow – Basketball – A remake of the Kurtis Blow classic that started this playlist. The
video starts with a spoof of the classic
McDonalds H-O-R-S-E commercial as well. And really, Bow Wow and Jermaine Dupri are the Larry Bird and Michael Jordan of hip hop.
M.I.A. - Bucky Done Gun – Hey, it's got “Bucky” in the title.
Nelly – Heart of a Champion – You really could just use John Tesh's “Roudball Rock” (the old
NBA on NBC theme song), but I'm not sure if it's better to support Nelly or John Tesh.
Jurassic 5 – The Game – Finally something worth your hard-earned 99 cents.
The Game – Put You on the Game – It's got “Game” in the title...and the artist name!
Eminem & Nate Dogg – 'Till I Collapse – Not sure if this is the best basketball song, but it doesn't seem like whoever made this playlist is old enough to remember Hank Gathers or Reggie Lewis.
Ying Yang Twins – Halftime (Stand Up and Get Crunk!) - I believe “Stand Up and Get Crunk” was the name of Mark Miller's first basketball camp.
Stay tuned for the “Deep Cuts”!
iTunes Basketball Essentials Examined
by
Rick Hamilton,
4/14/2009
Do you enjoy basketball-related songs? Have an extra $75.36 sitting around? The iTunes Music Store has just the thing for you! I, on the other hand, don't have $75.36 and discovered after perusing their “Basketball Essentials” playlist that I apparently hate basketball-related songs.
iTunes Basketball Essentials (Warning: Clicking the link will open iTunes and possibly purchase U2's new album automatically.)
Part One is the “The Basics”, songs that undoubtedly cannot even be mentioned without thoughts of crossover dribbles, net-cutting, and charge-taking popping immediately into your head. Right?
1. Kurtis Blow – Basketball – As you'll soon discover, this column is really just me complaining about these songs, so it's nice to actually start on a positive note. Put this song on repeat and you've got your Basketball Essentials and you'll have saved $74.37.
Now, on to the bad news.
2. Black Eyed Peas – Let's Get It Started – This is completely inappropriate, but only if you know the original version of the song. I won't mention the name of the original, but trust me. The NBA plastered this song all over promos for the 2003-04 Playoffs, which could make it the worst possible year for the Bucks to make the postseason. It's almost a good thing they didn't make it past the Pistons, I'm not sure if I could handle hearing this song for another round. And yes, youngsters, the Bucks were in the Playoffs.
3. Brother Bones & His Shadows - Sweet Georgia Brown – Wait, the Globetrotter song comes after the Black Eyed Peas song? A fascinating tidbit from
Wikipedia: It was played during Gary Busey's speech during the Comedy Central Roast of Larry The Cable Guy.
4. Fort Minor – Remember the Name – The NBA couldn't get enough of this song. I think they used it in Playoff and Draft commercials for six consecutive years even though the song is only four years old.
5. House of Pain – Jump Around – Living in Wisconsin, this song has more of a connection with football than basketball with the whole Camp Randall thing. Living in Ireland, this song has more of a connection with the National Anthem (I assume).
6. Public Enemy – He Got Game – I believe it should be “He Has Game.”
7. Chamillionaire – Turn It Up – Oh, I get it. It's a combination of “chameleon” and “millionaire”. Wait, I guess I don't get it.
8. Cheech & Chong – Basketball Jones – Apologies to Jimmy Merrit once again. From page 219 of the 2007-08 Wisconsin Basketball Yearbook:
Anyone want a new nickname this year?
9. Jay-Z – Show Me What You Got – He's part-owner of the Nets, let's put one of his songs on this basketball playlist!
10. David Barrett – One Shining Moment – As basketball-related as this is, who's going to put this on their iPod? I suppose it would make walking down the street a lot more dramatic.
11. 50 Cent – In Da Club – Just pick some random party song and throw it on a basketball playlist!
12. OutKast – The Way You Move – Ditto.
13. Jay-Z & Linkin Park – Numb/Encore – It's better because it's two songs that have nothing to do with basketball squished together. I'm getting angrier and angrier listening to this.
14. Notorious B.I.G. - Hypnotize – Did Biggie ever play hoops? I'd probably have to guard him if he played at the gym.
15. Gorillaz – Feel Good Inc. - Alright, if these are the “basics” of “essential” basketball songs, I can't wait to see what are the “next steps” and (God help me) the “deep cuts”.
16. Kanye West & Lupe Fiasco – Touch the Sky – Are we still even playing basketball?
17. Master P. - Make 'Em Say Ugh – This
video really deserves its own column.
18. T.I. - Bring Em Out – I just don't know what to do anymore.
19. Dan the Automator & Slim Thug – I Love This Game – Oh wait, this actually has something to do with basketball. A song off the 2k7 Sports video game soundtrack, but perhaps the worst song. Why bother with greats on the album like Mos Def, A Tribe Called Quest, Chali 2na, Zion I, Aceyalone, Hieroglyphics, and Ghostface when you can hear Slim Thug?
20. Fabolous – Young'n – I'm sure this has something to do with basketball too.
21. Tag Team – Whoomp! (There It Is) – This song is so old, I think it pre-dates basketball.
22. Naughty By Nature – Hip Hop Hooray – Instead of talking about this song, I decided to talk about another Naughty By Nature hit, “O.P.P.” and theorize about what “O.P.P.” stands for in basketball terms. Offensive Points per Possession? Other People's Power forwards? Olden Polynice Please?
23. Usher featuring Lil Jon & Ludacris – Yeah! - Seriously? Apparently basketball existed for a short time in the '00s and a lot of crappy songs came out at the same time.
24. DMX – Party Up (Up In Here) – Please don't even listen to the 30 second sample of this song unless you can handle someone swearing like the drunkest pirate on the Atlantic.
25. DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince – Boom! Shake the Room – Even Jaden Smith hates this song.
Stay tuned for Part Two - Next Steps. (If I don't explode with rage!)